I just don't know who I am?

 I just don't know. I'm a different person now and I can't seem to figure out who I should be. Most of my "circle" does not exist anymore. I have two sons and I have to address who I am now and what I want, what they expect and "who" I should be now.

60 years old is looming and I just don't think I like that. Where did it all go? How does one man make so many mistakes at key times in his life to end up "here"? What's important now?

That's all I have for now. Well, that's not necessarily true. I have lots but is it worth putting it out there? For now, I'm going to do what I've always done. I'll bury myself in a job and hope it works itself out, knowing full well that it will NOT!

Welcome to the Jungle

I interviewed with Prime Inc. yesterday as I continue to get my life put back together. The interview went well and I am thinking I'll get an offer. We will have to cover the whole "F" thing, so that will be an adventure.

If they don't hire me, the grocery warehouse is hiring and the money is great.

Onward and upward right?

It's Been Awhile...

No, not the song by Staind either. That song itself would deserve several posts just on what it means to me.

Today's the day I officially try to rejoin society after a LONG detour Maybe I'll share some of the details of the last 3 years here and maybe I won't. It is generally painful, sometimescrushingly so, but for better or worse it's now part of who I am.

Having said that let me be clear...my recent past is not "WHO I AM" but rather a time where I faced several  challenges and have learned some important things about myself, and those around me. This period of my life is to be learned from and not simply dwelled on.

I am stronger yet more humble. I am more driven yet thankful for all that I have. Above all I am eternally grateful for the small slice of humanity that stood with me during "the troubles". FYI I stole that term from the British. Those of you to which I'm referring know who you are. Suffice it to say that I can never repay your loyalty or ever, ever thank you enough.

Today I have my first job interview in a very long time. Everyone cross your fingers. I'm moving forward. It won't be easy at times but I will not be deterred!

Stay tuned for life's next happenings in my little corner of the universe. I'll leave you with a little quote I picked up in my travels.

Semper Fi

"Don't judge my story by the chapter you walked in on."

To Dylan on his birthday...

Happy Birthday Son! I figured I would beat the rush on the eve of what is a momentous day. I could heap endless platitudes on you but I will not. I often think we stole part of your youth by urging you along the path that you took. But, when I stop to look at the man that you have become; the father that you are every minute you breath and just how many people you have impacted so deeply, I am astonished. You have accomplished so much and yet have so much ahead of you. I am proud beyond words Dylan Michael. I love you and I am so very glad you are my son. Enjoy your day... did something foolish... and know you are loved. I'll talk to you in a day or so and we'll plan a get together. Happy Birthday my boy. Dad

Dylan, Katie, Joseph Wyatt & Greycen Alexander

To Dylan & Katie!!

We're tucked in and unpacked. I know it was short, but I had a tremendous time son. We will make it a regular thing, I promise. I know moms opinions and you look a little tired, but some of that's normal. Regardless of what anyone around you thinks, together YOU and KATIE are getting it done and raising two amazing boys. I am very proud of you and Katie and they truly are special kids. Joseph is beyond description. :). Hopefully this text finds the kids asleep and you dozing peacefully. But...maybe not. I love you and thanks to both of you for having us.

Life is good!

Big day today. Andrew is finalizing his 5th year at the University of Atkansas with the 2016 SEC Indoor Track and Field Championships on Feb. 26-27. You can read all about it here: 
2016 SEC Indoor Track and Field Championships
He has worked hard academically and athletically and has had a good run! No pun 
intended. :) I am very proud of him.

3 days ago was also the 3rd birthday of my very first grandson, Joseph Wyatt Pisechko!
I do not see him like I should and most of that is on me. I am resolved to fix that! I want to be the grandfather that I had and that my boys had with Jim Selby. So, tomorrow EARLY we ar St. Louis bound for the big party!

My sons continue to be a source or pride for me. They are the greatest contributor to keeping my demons at bay and reinforcing that I have done some things right!

It is what it is and I will keep on persevering!

To Stephen on the birth of Brody

Congrats my friend. Today is a great day and a new beginning. It is on this day that a man gets to "right the wrongs" and "start over". We cannot change who our parents were or who we were before this day, no matter how much we want to. However, you are now 500% in charge of the "type" of  parent you choose to be. Be assured,  your actions and words will most certainly mold the young man that Brody will become.
Take a breath and take it in. Kiss your wife and baby. Savor the moment!
We will handle your business like it was ours. I will see to it. :)

From Alexis on my 50th

Happy birthday!!!!!! I am so thankful to call you my dad. You've made me into the person I am and put up with me and that's definitely a challenge! I love you!!!! :)

Freshman move in day 2015 U of A

College freshman #4 checking in. Alexis will do great! Dylan is out and thriving!! Andrew is almost done and has the world surrounded already. Avery took a break, but will get back in the game.
Why do I continue to feel guilt over my "new life" as try to help the kids get thru life?

From Alexis

Happy birthday!!!!!! I hope you have a fantastic day! You're the best dad anyone could have and I wouldn't be the same person I am today if it wasn't for you! I know I mess up but I'm so grateful for what you do. Love you!! Have a GOOOD day!!

Happy veterans day! I know you served as the best dad in the Marines and the whole world appreciates you especially me!

Thank you for always being there for me and for helping me more than anyone else in my life ever has. You're truly the best dad I've ever had and I'm glad we got this figured out. I will do better about communication. it means a lot that you are proud.

From Dylan: On my Fathers Passing

I will do just that. Unfortunately thoughts of our loved ones can't keep their bodies on Earth forever...but they let their wisdom and life lessons pass to us. Grandpa Bill was strong because of his father and I know you'll make him proud continuing his legacy.

From Andrew: Fathers Day 2015

Happy Father's Day! Thanks for all the games of horse and catch, the taxi service, and just generally being there to teach life lessons (like how to fix pipes when it's 40 below outside haha), I don't know where I would be without them!

To Dylan. Fathers Day 2015

Happy Fathers Day Dylan! You have done so much in such a short amount of time. School and work and starting a family have all come to you so quickly. To no-one's surprise you have handled them all with grace and courage and a quiet focus that has become your trademark. As you get further embroiled in this wonderful, wild journey known as "fatherhood" mere words cannot show how proud I am of the man and the father you have become. When Chuck Norris says his Hail Mary's he starts them "Our Dylan..." :)
I love you son!

Don't miss your chance...

I remember the ice cream when he got home..the soft pretzels from somewhere..my mom holding my ears as he made a pass in the Torino at the drag strip...the red fishing rod..the digital watch and my 1100 at 13; ice fishing and Italian sausage on a hard roll..building my GTO.
I remember so many things that we never talked about. I remember the singular sentimental birthday card I sent him that he saved forever. I remember the bad times as well, but such was our family.
We lost Grandpa Bill today. Approx 1pm. He was strong, but could not win.
It is as cliche, a song, a repeated sentiment in life. Hug the ones you love and tell them how much they mean to you. Don't miss your chance!!
I LOVE YOU DAD!

I think as a father that i spend too much time lamenting what i could have done differently or could do different now. I really need to focus on the end results of my parenting work.

All alone...

I am all alone and I am now a cliche. I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, many of them public. A LOT OF MISTAKES! This time I was different. I have a woman I love with all my heart and soul; I have been completely honest at all times in all matters.

My foolish pride has gotten in the way a couple of times, but never have I been secretive or dishonest about anything between us. My financial woes from my past have haunted me and hunted me. I have not always been 100% forthcoming to the fullest as I didn't want to burden her and "our" future with "my" past. That was a mistake but I can rectify that.

In all other areas I have tried to give my heart and soul and be the very best man I could be. Now, looming on the horizon, is the possibility that the one person whom I have completely given my heart and soul, my very breath, my very reason to exist to may not want me any more. How is that possible...how is that fair...how would I survive.

My kids are grown and doing well, they do not need to hear me. My best friend is 100 miles away and I have failed in that relationship as well. I am completely alone in this world with no one to talk to and no one to help me navigate. My darkest moments during my last marriage are no comparison to where I am now. I am not easily given to melodrama, and in the past I have bottled up everything. That is not who I am now and this is where I am. I am going to fight for my life.

Maybe I got something right...

As we grow older, I suppose that looking back is inevitable. So many people tell you "Don't look back." or "Those stuck in the past, cannot ever move forward."

But sometimes you look back and know that you just may have gotten something right.

Below are two notes from Son to Father on Fathers Day. They filled me with tears of joy and pride.

"I know things now aren't like either one of us envisioned, and we don't get to spend as much time together as we would like, but I want you to know I always love you just the same. Mistakes were made, things changed, and they are what they are; but that doesn't mean I love you any less. I know things are hard and you're working to get ahead and time is short a lot, and I understand because you know im always hustling, but just know I'll always make time and work around whatever to see you and spend time with you. Also, I'm sorry that I don't always make the biggest effort to keep you updated on track and invite you to meets. I got to a point where I kind of just assumed things and I shouldn't have. Our relationship isn't perfect, there are things we'll have to talk about eventually (and I know part of who you are when it comes to talking and feelings is because of how you were raised, and I cant blame you for that) but its definitely something I want to keep working on, and something I wouldn't trade for anything. I love you Dad."

"Its been a hectic day but I finally found time to put down thoughts. There's a lot that I could say, but it seems simple is best. My prevailing thought all through this first fathers day was that if I could make sure Joseph feels as unconditionally loved as I did growing up, then I've perfected the art. Thanks for giving me all the tools to be who I am today. I love you."

Yes...something went right.

Who the hell buys popcorn....

In the rain?  Chasing the almighty dollar. If you work hard, they just give you more work.
If you work smart, then you can take an idea and build it then have someone work at it.

Dylan Michael Pisechko

Watching him get on the bus at 3...
Watching him put BBQ SAUCE on EVERYTHING...
Watching him wrestle with that "killer" Duke...
Watching him become the fine young man and father he is...
Priceless, Priceless, PRICELESS!!!

On my way, proud beyond words, to his college graduation.
ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!! :)

Change....

I feel that I am at a real crossroads with multiple "key" events rushing at me. I feel myself digging in my heels against the pressure. Over time I have learned that control is an illusion. I want to stay flexible, yet don't want to be swept away. 

Like a boat in rough seas, I want to stay the course while still actively navigating around the "worst of it". I don't know if I know how.