I think as a father that i spend too much time lamenting what i could have done differently or could do different now. I really need to focus on the end results of my parenting work.

All alone...

I am all alone and I am now a cliche. I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, many of them public. A LOT OF MISTAKES! This time I was different. I have a woman I love with all my heart and soul; I have been completely honest at all times in all matters.

My foolish pride has gotten in the way a couple of times, but never have I been secretive or dishonest about anything between us. My financial woes from my past have haunted me and hunted me. I have not always been 100% forthcoming to the fullest as I didn't want to burden her and "our" future with "my" past. That was a mistake but I can rectify that.

In all other areas I have tried to give my heart and soul and be the very best man I could be. Now, looming on the horizon, is the possibility that the one person whom I have completely given my heart and soul, my very breath, my very reason to exist to may not want me any more. How is that possible...how is that fair...how would I survive.

My kids are grown and doing well, they do not need to hear me. My best friend is 100 miles away and I have failed in that relationship as well. I am completely alone in this world with no one to talk to and no one to help me navigate. My darkest moments during my last marriage are no comparison to where I am now. I am not easily given to melodrama, and in the past I have bottled up everything. That is not who I am now and this is where I am. I am going to fight for my life.