Don't miss your chance...

I remember the ice cream when he got home..the soft pretzels from somewhere..my mom holding my ears as he made a pass in the Torino at the drag strip...the red fishing rod..the digital watch and my 1100 at 13; ice fishing and Italian sausage on a hard roll..building my GTO.
I remember so many things that we never talked about. I remember the singular sentimental birthday card I sent him that he saved forever. I remember the bad times as well, but such was our family.
We lost Grandpa Bill today. Approx 1pm. He was strong, but could not win.
It is as cliche, a song, a repeated sentiment in life. Hug the ones you love and tell them how much they mean to you. Don't miss your chance!!
I LOVE YOU DAD!

I think as a father that i spend too much time lamenting what i could have done differently or could do different now. I really need to focus on the end results of my parenting work.

All alone...

I am all alone and I am now a cliche. I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, many of them public. A LOT OF MISTAKES! This time I was different. I have a woman I love with all my heart and soul; I have been completely honest at all times in all matters.

My foolish pride has gotten in the way a couple of times, but never have I been secretive or dishonest about anything between us. My financial woes from my past have haunted me and hunted me. I have not always been 100% forthcoming to the fullest as I didn't want to burden her and "our" future with "my" past. That was a mistake but I can rectify that.

In all other areas I have tried to give my heart and soul and be the very best man I could be. Now, looming on the horizon, is the possibility that the one person whom I have completely given my heart and soul, my very breath, my very reason to exist to may not want me any more. How is that possible...how is that fair...how would I survive.

My kids are grown and doing well, they do not need to hear me. My best friend is 100 miles away and I have failed in that relationship as well. I am completely alone in this world with no one to talk to and no one to help me navigate. My darkest moments during my last marriage are no comparison to where I am now. I am not easily given to melodrama, and in the past I have bottled up everything. That is not who I am now and this is where I am. I am going to fight for my life.

Maybe I got something right...

As we grow older, I suppose that looking back is inevitable. So many people tell you "Don't look back." or "Those stuck in the past, cannot ever move forward."

But sometimes you look back and know that you just may have gotten something right.

Below are two notes from Son to Father on Fathers Day. They filled me with tears of joy and pride.

"I know things now aren't like either one of us envisioned, and we don't get to spend as much time together as we would like, but I want you to know I always love you just the same. Mistakes were made, things changed, and they are what they are; but that doesn't mean I love you any less. I know things are hard and you're working to get ahead and time is short a lot, and I understand because you know im always hustling, but just know I'll always make time and work around whatever to see you and spend time with you. Also, I'm sorry that I don't always make the biggest effort to keep you updated on track and invite you to meets. I got to a point where I kind of just assumed things and I shouldn't have. Our relationship isn't perfect, there are things we'll have to talk about eventually (and I know part of who you are when it comes to talking and feelings is because of how you were raised, and I cant blame you for that) but its definitely something I want to keep working on, and something I wouldn't trade for anything. I love you Dad."

"Its been a hectic day but I finally found time to put down thoughts. There's a lot that I could say, but it seems simple is best. My prevailing thought all through this first fathers day was that if I could make sure Joseph feels as unconditionally loved as I did growing up, then I've perfected the art. Thanks for giving me all the tools to be who I am today. I love you."

Yes...something went right.

Who the hell buys popcorn....

In the rain?  Chasing the almighty dollar. If you work hard, they just give you more work.
If you work smart, then you can take an idea and build it then have someone work at it.

Dylan Michael Pisechko

Watching him get on the bus at 3...
Watching him put BBQ SAUCE on EVERYTHING...
Watching him wrestle with that "killer" Duke...
Watching him become the fine young man and father he is...
Priceless, Priceless, PRICELESS!!!

On my way, proud beyond words, to his college graduation.
ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK!! :)

Change....

I feel that I am at a real crossroads with multiple "key" events rushing at me. I feel myself digging in my heels against the pressure. Over time I have learned that control is an illusion. I want to stay flexible, yet don't want to be swept away. 

Like a boat in rough seas, I want to stay the course while still actively navigating around the "worst of it". I don't know if I know how.